At the railway station

Waiting at the railway station is something that disturbs me a lot.

I donno why. The long waits in remote locations, especially when I am alone, I start thinking about what I will do next; where I will go etc. These are certain thoughts that I do not dare to tread into. Who am I to decide what I will do next. I have never planned anything beyond a month or two.

I remember once I visited a classmate and saw a small house-like structure next to her house.
"What is that?"
"That will be a clinic for my brother when he finishes his medical college"
That was looking ahead for 3 years. I can still remember how shocked I was. That probably was the first time the scare of planning ahead came into my mind. For no reason. I hope that did come true for her doctor brother. But for her, who always tried to present a nice dream about married life, preferred marriage and partner decide her career, who believed in dowry and did not want to marry without a dowry - the first married life was a failure.

The railway stations pull me into long gazes that has no end. I still remember those dreaded waits during my previous life in Japan. Many a times these will be after a visit to a no-longer-potential customer. What am I set for? Where is my promised life? I fail to locate. All I can see are those parallel lines that never converge. The solemn silence. People who are destined to wait. The vending machines begging for a few coins.

Looking at the rails, I feel that one of them is my fantasies and the other one is facts. I have been coming all the same way and still continuing the same way. At some points I could see them converging, but once I ride over them, sadly realize they were only crossing of paths. My fantasies and facts still run in parallel. The multicolor promises that stand alongside are mostly red. Once in a while they turn green and I need to rush. Looking into the future I mostly spy red lights everywhere. Some of them turns green and the moment I reach closer, they too turn red. How did I come all the way? The light posts of the past are turning their back on me. I cannot see them anymore. I can only the light above me. The light that has guided me so far. The light that has let me see the world around.

Even now, I don't know where I am headed to. Today is what I can see. Tomorrow is a blur. After that its all dark. I only trust the light that will rise up when tomorrow is over. The light that I can trust. This is the trust that many call faith. Some call it belief.